Forgetting to love

Hi Blog Land.

I am having a bit of trouble getting my characters to fall in love, or to display “real” love…between “real” people. I don’t know if this is because my relationships have been precarious, or if it’s because I am currently riding on a different wavelength from my partner. We are going through a nasty hump, but it’s nothing to be dramatic about. We are both aware of it and just allowing each other to express the apathy that comes after being with someone for over six year. Ugh, you smell! Ugh, walk faster! Ugh, ugh, ugh! You know what I’m talking about; trivial situations that don’t really mean anything. Or at least don’t really amount to anything that means we are horrible people. Passive aggressive, yes. Weird, yes. Unwilling to grow up, definitely.

My poor characters meet in high school, and they have a child during their last semester. Although I know someone who’s gone through this situation –what I’m really having trouble is, getting into the mind of my male character. Why? Because he also will also enlist in the army. I have interviewed two veterans in this process, and quite frankly the military experience is a sensitive subject. Aside from there being a lot of different titles in the Army, there are also some topics that were really uncomfortable for some of my subjects. I wonder if this is the character I must let go of. It hurts me to say this, but he might be. Or maybe I can work more on my lead character, and focus on him afterwards. Right now, they’re not gelling.

They always end up in some argument in my head, or some dramatic situation that causes my character to do something extreme, which frankly doesn’t fit my current style.

Maybe I’m afraid to go there.

Well, we’ll see where it goes. If you have any good suggestions about the development of love – please share. I have a good idea of my experiences, but sometimes it’s good to get some feedback outside of my personal circle. Ugh, this feels like the time my male acting teacher stood in front of class and asked me to imitate his sexy walk. Apparently, I sucked at being a sexy woman. My life!


Back to people watching and eavesdropping.


Spurts of Writing and This Crazy World

A Sugar House Sunset post Thunder Storm (Summer 2013)

Okay so I’ve only written a section of Chapter 1 for my new Fantasy story. I’ve been getting spurts of writing every now and then, especially in Utah — but now I’m back in Berkeley and I have no idea what the next few days of freedom will have for me. I went to a coffee shop and ended up reading an article about people reacting negatively to a mixed race Cheerios commercial. It was definitely a little procrastinating moment, but it was good to watch. Sometimes I forget about the crazies in this world. Here I am trying to write about long tailed creatures who live in a desert, while this country battles the issue of racism. Some try to sweep it under the rug, some say things are blown out of proportion, some are in denial about their own identity, some (like me) want to understand without feeling angry. It’s difficult. I think maybe that’s why I stop writing sometimes. The sense of hope in art and storytelling just falls by the wayside and I think, why should one care? It’s terrible to admit this, but it crosses my mind.  I met a man at a party and told him that my projects seem hopeless at times. He told me he felt the same when he was in prison once. He said it served as a lesson because of what he looked like. Because he was black, he had to adapt. I cried very quietly and smiled at him, and he said, “It’s okay. This world needs good guys and bad guys, it’s just the way it is,” and he lightly touched my shoulder. I guess I haven’t made peace with that reality. Many authors have expressed their frustrations through art, I guess this Fantasy project can serve for that purpose. I have to better define the world, my characters, and why they exist. They are reaching out their hands waiting for me, and I feel as if I’m almost there. Why am I making this? should be the question I ask myself. It’s becoming clear. I am so sick of the ignorance in this world, and I want to do something about it.