Maybe I will become her someday. Maybe in 2027/8 I will enter my teenage child’s room and think — What the hell? I will read her diary! Then I will shamelessly sit on their bed and read the passages of their most private thoughts for my entertainment. Maybe, just maybe I’ll be able to understand my mother that day. I will be in my forties and feel justified because i had birthed this creature, and their writing would somehow reveal things about myself. Maybe…
…OR MAYBE NOT!
Blog Land, earlier this week my little brother (who just turned sixteen) sent me a picture of a journal I purchased in Ireland in 2011. It was a journal to keep me on track with my novel, to write down my feelings about my weirdo roommates, to go into my deepest corners of my brain and ponder – logic vs. art and possibly even sex. And all those things that happen to a young woman when she is an older student stuck with a bunch of people who have just graduated from their nine-teens.
My journal, which I wrote in religiously when I was studying abroad was now in the hands of the most frustrating teenager in my life right now. Today while visiting my mother, I sat on the couch happy as a clam as I had forgotten the entire incident (thank you forgetful brain). My brother leaned over me and whispered in my ear, “So Lis, just to let you know. Mom found the journal. I caught her reading it out loud in the living room one morning. I tried to get it back. Then sat there and proceeded to read it for the next thirty minutes.”
Blog Land, my skin crawled from head to toe. I was in complete disgust with both my brother and mother, but (also) slightly impressed that my brain had somehow pushed the fact that my brother was in possession of the journal out, to make room for the huge plate of spaghetti I had just downed moments before.
Okay – so one thing you should know about me is that for most of my life, I was raised by my father. My mother and I have hardly had a real mother-daughter during my teenage years. Meaning, I was never rebellious with her, really. I was a pretty good kid because, well, I rarely saw her.
So there I was, trying to watch the Peru vs. Venezuela Copa America match and my brother tells me this. I face him and ask, “Where is it?” He doesn’t know. She took it away and accused him of being creepy — then in turn become creepy herself by reading my work.
Mom had just stepped out to the garage to say bye to family, I went out to meet her.
Me: You read my Ireland journal?
Mom: What? He’s making it up! I didn’t!! (In a Peruvian accent)
Me: Oh, really?
Mom: I couldn’t get through most of it anyway, you write like a three year old!
Me: A-HA! You did read it! You read it!! This is why I DON’T LIVE WITH YOU!!!!
I stormed back into the house like a rattled child and realized I was having a rebellious outburst. The pseudo-therapist living in my brain spoke to me: Your delayed rebellion is a direct outcome to the fact that your mother was absent during your teenage years.
This thought interrupted my walking back to the living room. I shook it off. I had a goal and no pretend psychobabble was going to get in my way.
This means war.
I continued to the living room and walked into my brothers room. He was quickly behind me.
Me: Where is it?
Him: I don’t know, she took it from me!
I grabbed two of his favorite video games and disconnected a chord.
Me: Where IS IT? (I began to look through his drawers.)
Him: Why are you doing this?! (He blurted out nervously eyeing his discs.)
Me: This is what it feels like to invade someone’s privacy, but at least I have the decency to do it right in front of YOU!
After being able to get more information out of him, I returned his games one at a time as means to get out of his room — for he had eventually held me hostage due to his babies being in my grasps.
I tried to look for this journal in nooks and crannies to no avail. I go to my mother’s room, but no luck. My boyfriend yells from the living room, “Perú made a goal, you missed it!”
My blood boils.
My brother walks into the room, “Do you have my chord?”
Yes, I did. I had it stuffed in my pocket in case I had more questions. He called me sneaky and said it wasn’t fair that I was punishing him for mom’s creepiness.
Me: Listen to me right now, I have this to get information from you.
Him: It’s not fair.
Me: Lesson one: this is called ransom. (I held the chord up high.)
Him: Not fair…
Me: Like I said, it’s called ransom. I need you to deliver a message to Mother.
Him: Will I get my chord back?
Him: Okay, then…
Me: You tell her, that I am vowing not to speak to her until I get my Ireland journal back. She needs to present it to me at the Father’s Day Breakfast this Sunday. If she doesn’t have it with her, I will NOT talk to her the entire time. And I capable of this, she knows I am because she did part-raise me as a child. I know crazy.
Him: Oh man! Mom’s going to hate me …
Me: Not my problem. Will you deliver the message?
I handed him the chord.
Him (Continued): You’re so sneaky.
I walk out and watch the rest of the game. My brother goes to his room and continues to play his video games again. He always underestimates how incredibly bored I am, but I work from home – I have time to scheme!
I waited for him to be out of ear shot and started laughing. My boyfriend sat there and just stared at me. You want another teenager mom? You got one.
More on this journal story on Sunday. Let’s see if she has the guts to deny me my literature. This rebellion, is long overdue.