Reflecting over Vicky, Cristina, Barcelona -or- Excuses, excuses!

“I don’t want to!” she thinks to herself.

Hi Blog Land. I just finished watching that movie, Vicky Cristina Barcelona , and it made me think about all those times I have neglected my art. The characters in this film, also neglect a part of their art, and mainly because of sex stuff — but I thought man, being an artist is hard. In the case of the Juan character — he gets distracted by his insanely sexy but jealous ex-wife, Maria Elena. Cristina finishes a short film that in the end means nothing to her. Then she does photography but loses passion for it as she does for her two lovers. Vicky is just a neurotic person who can’t make up her mind on what she wants and she gets shot on her hand. Near the end of this film, I was like what the hell?

Why are you writing this Lis? 

I am writing this because after watching this movie — I feel incredibly guilty about the neglect I have been displaying to my craft. This blog which was supposed to liberate me from the obligations and crap I go through as a freelancer and as an artist. It was to be a place of solace for the millions of interesting moments I live and see that take over my brain life an infestation of flowers that won’t allow me to focus on work. I float away and lose both myself and the work. I need to start writing things down, again.

Anyways, I want to apologize for not being present, Reader…whoever you are. I should be practicing. The more I distance myself the more my ESL traumas return, and I forget how to formulate a sentence in English. Oy!   So tonight I am going to rant about the things that have kept me from writing. All my fault, but all need to be expressed. It needs to be exorcised out of me. Here it goes:

I edit videos for a living now (kind of). My computer is not really built for this kind of work. I live with about 4-5 hard drives alternating in a small usb space. It drives me crazy. I feel so much radiation coming at me, soon aliens won’t want to touch me! Anyways, instead of letters below my fingers, now all I see are command triggers. Sad.

I have a television. It’s not quite Netflix, and it’s not quite YouTube…it’s something I used to enjoy back before my laptop and I began living together. I bought it off a teacher, and it has no antenna…or dish, or whatever you kids are calling it nowadays. But I have a shit ton of dvds and sometimes I indulge in a Harry Potter marathon while eating ice cream at 11:00am. Sue me.

My roommates and I are playing music now. We really enjoy it. It is super fun to start jamming out with a song and practice it. We shrill like five year olds when something feels fun, but then 3 hours later its like…where’d the time go?

Back to Reading. I have been reading more and more lately — which is great, but also it has become scary to go to my novel notebook since. I think its all in my head. Intimidation? Either way, the reading is going to help with the writing when I am ready for it I suppose.

My Muse was on vacation. I think she got fed up on waiting for me and walked out the door while I was taking a shower one day. Then I became a robot mechanically attached to my computer.

I perform in San Francisco and other Bay Area places. I love performing! I want to do it forever. Rehearsals take up a lot of time though. And then when I come home, all I want to do is sleep.

My teeth hurt. I need to get my wisdom teeth out asap. Uf.

Philosophical struggles. Sometimes I lay in bed and think about how I am going to explain to God moving in with my boyfriend next year. We’re not married. I conclude that limbo might be my future home.

The Earth is falling apart. It’s been really hard actually to function after seeing the news, or watching people wanting to get richer and fracking and all that…but it’s creating earthquakes and I think we’re going to disappear in just a couple of years.

My boyfriend and I are moving in together (eventually). This has been keeping me up at night sometimes. I miss him. I love him. And sometimes I want to choke him — not kill him, but you know hurt him a little. Figuratively speaking, of course. I’m sure the feeling is mutual. At night I wonder…oy, are we going to make it when we live together? :/

I am working on 4-5 projects at once: video editing, dance film, novel, grant writing, PR work, and the list goes on. Sometimes I feel like I’m splitting into million of pieces and writing is the last thing on my mind.

Well you get the point. Those are my excuses. There! It’s out of me. Now I can go back to being creative and ranting the night away so that I can clear my head and get some work done. I hope your summer went well. Utah was interesting for me. Now I am back in Berkeley…and I feel like I can breathe again.

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