Adulthood or something like it

I am no longer a Berkeley student. I am now a Berkeley adult…or citizen . Whatever .

These are some things I brought up with me from LA: my car, my car permit/insurance, some Costco groceries because I am a human hamster, my talking drum, my geetar, my puffy white blanket, my psychedelic body pillow, my laptop, some family photos, books, and my make-up storage box.

The transition fooled me at first. I thought, okay…this is not a big deal. However, tonight’s realizations hit me like a stampede of little fat babies. BUT  I AM GOING going to maintain my cool.

How?

Still figuring that out.

You see, Reader, as I just explained—the transition resembled this easy smooth wave, but as I walk closer to the shore I realize that those baby waves are actually a humongous tsunami heading my way, and I have nowhere to run.

Here’s the deal: I don’t have classes, homework, or college kid dramas to distract me from those pressing questions we humans tend to ask ourselves sometimes. You know the kind! Those existential questions people get when they are eating dinner with their family and they realize they won’t ever get to scuba dive in Jamaica because little Tony over there needs braces. Well, in my case, the main question is HOW DID I GET HERE? Sometimes I zone out and ask myself: How did I get here? (Berkeley that is), and I give myself various safe answers to my question. Answers like: you got a job, you followed your gut, maybe you’ll apply to Pixar, or maybe you’ll do grad school. And of course — At least you’re finally breathing clean air!

It is refreshing being here. Yet, again, I don’t have school to shelter me from real life anymore. I have me. That’s it. And I don’t know about you, Reader, but my head can be a freaky place. Those damn questions keep rolling in:WHO AM I? WHY AM I ON THIS PLANET? WILL I EVER ______ (fill in the blank)? I can’t help but wonder. Especially now that my time is so spread out and I don’t have any required reading for the next day.

Suddenly getting a city parking permit seems like the biggest accomplishment I have done in the past two weeks. Suddenly I am buying groceries in a town where they take their local gardens seriously. Suddenly it’s no longer funny to leave my roommate dirty dishes for the next day. Suddenly paying back loans and rent seems like a Die Hard adventure in this job market. I’m back in the real world, and for some reason it feels less real then my academic one.

I don’t think it’s because I want to be a student forever (at least I hope not). I am really glad I got school over with. It’s more about…being unoccupied and having my brain ask itself questions about the following topics: of grandeur/fame, of starting a family, of running away to another country, of becoming a recluse, of writing for the porn industry, of trying a drug before I die, of going back to church, of maybe returning to that unfinished Marine Biology dream. Gah! My brain just won’t shut up sometimes.

I just want to be able to do a regular task and not dissect it down to it’s last possible molecule…the way I do people or words. Why can’t life be simple? I suppose that’s what makes people interesting though. Hmm.

Is this all I want in life? or Could I be happy living this way forever?

I am sure millions of people ask themselves this everyday. Ugh, adulthood. I suppose, even though I am considered an adult, I never really made that mental switch until now.

You know what, Reader? I have never been able to accept my age either, but I guess I’m coming to terms with it.

Here’s one (depressing) answer to my puzzle: I AM alone. It is very uncomfortable knowing this. However, it is also very liberating.

I am looking for myself in my reflection, but all I see are more confused faces repeating herself over and over and over again. Who the frack am I?

I suppose the point of life is to wake up and discover these things. Tonight I feel hopeless, and tomorrow I will get back in gear. That’s just how it goes around this time of night when my brain just won’t shut up.

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