Avoid it.

I was going to avoid writing about this. I tried starting this post a few times, and ended up deleting it over and over again. I have a need to express something, but I don’t know if it’s valid or even permissible. I’m babbling, and that’s because I’m nervous. So maybe I’ll just express myself creatively.

Interesting Human Being Post

You see, I was watching TV with my roomies. We were in our apartment, talking about getting fat and eating too much. We were laughing at New Girl and the dorky jokes. We were complaining about things everyone complains about: drama, local news, pain in our backs, crap about internet, etc. etc. etc.      Sometime in that space. Sometime in those moments of laughter that reverberated through the walls of our kitchen-living room, you decided to jump. Sometime in that moment,  across the way in a building across your Unit that is identical looking to ours, you thought it would be best to depart. And I can’t even fathom what was going through your mind. We just know, that it happened. It happened. We were laughing, people were studying, the gym was full of runners, the elevator was working, the air conditioner was blowing, the birds were sleeping, the trees were shaking, the courtyard had smokers…and one of them probably saw you. Falling down. Falling away. Falling until there was nowhere else to fall to. I am wrong for feeling strange. I am wrong for expressing myself this way. I am wrong for pretending to know what you must have been going through. Depression. Pressures of life. No way out. Alone. Whatever.    I am wrong for writing this.   But what else can I do? How else do I blow off steam? I try to speak, but I sound like an idiot describing details of the caution tape, the cops, and the boy— who at the sight of  the blue tarp—crumpled into the arms of a friend as if he were just a piece of paper. Disappearing into her bosom, and returning to a moment in his life when he was a child—a moment when someone took his favorite toy, and all he could say was, “It’s not fair.”

You beautiful human being. You beautiful guy. You beautiful boy. You beautiful person. You were there last night. I walked by today. I couldn’t look past the stairs. I looked last night, I saw the blue tarp…but today I can’t look beyond the stairs. I can’t. I talked to a stranger about you, and I sounded like a robot. I sounded stupid. How dare you? I thought. You didn’t know the guy. How dare you speak about him? I thought. He was a neighbor you never met. He was. He was. He was. I thought, as I regurgitated facts to this woman, who simply told me to go to the health center.

How do we react? 

We human beings. We want to make sense of it all. We want to understand. I heard many talk about him. I saw the posts on facebook. I thought, damn…I thought…damn…they thought…damn. We all sighed, damn.   He was such a nice guy. If only I was there more often. I didn’t know you were sad. I’m sorry. I never met you,  _______ , but tonight you are in my heart. Live on brother. I dedicate this song to you, bro. Bro. Bro. Bro.

I just couldn’t avoid you. Not any longer.

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Sometimes I can’t keep things inside. I have to share this because maybe someone out there is hurting tonight, and you don’t have to. If you are going through a hard time, whoever you are, don’t ever forget that there are hundreds of people willing to hear you say: I need help. Reach out. Reach out to us. You are never alone.

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